Monday, October 14, 2013

Scene 9: Mid-Writing Crisis

I seem to be having a mid-writing crisis... for not the first time.

I have started/finished/half-written/outlined three novels and a half dozen 'short' stories. (I say 'short' because, in reality, I have a hard time being brief and my short stories soon become more like novellas.)  Inevitably, at some point, I become dissatisfied with my writing.  Not to be confused with discouraged. I have those moments too, when it seems like I will never be able to finish.  No, dissatisfaction is a beast of an entirely different breed.

How is it that I become disenchanted with my own writing?  It is completely frustrating.  This gap between what I want to write and what I'm actually writing.  I want to write something of value and out comes fluff.  It's not what's in my head.  Somewhere between my brain and the clicks of my fingers on the keyboard, things are getting lost.  How do I find them?

It's not that I don't want to do the work to find the right words.  I have spent three years on my current manuscript, writing, re-writing, doing character worksheets, plot webs, etc.  And it's not about perfectionism.  It's not.  Truly.  It's about the literary value of the writing.  I want to write something of value, not simple escapism literature, but real literature.  But no matter how I try, the bridge I need to close this gap eludes me.  And then I begin to wonder, am I writing my truth?  Am I writing what the author in me should be writing?  What she really wants to be writing?  Is it possible that I'm not being true to the creative creature inside of me?

And then I get a headache.

It's all very non-productive.  So what do you think?  Do you think we can truly write whatever we want?  Or is there in each of us a certain type of creative creature that is only happy and satisfied when writing its truth?

For now, I am pushing through my mid-writing crisis again in the hopes that someday I will bridge the gap between what I'm writing and what I actually want to write.   I hope that someday I'll walk across that bridge and bask in the glory of satisfaction on the other side.

Is it possible that with each re-write and revision I am adding bricks to my bridge?